Why coping skills don't always work when we want them to part 1.

We all have heard the term coping skills. Reading this now, you can probably think of at least 3 on the top of your head that could be helpful to you or your child. Our brains know them, we may have even practiced them with our kids and yet, when intense moments happen when our brains want them to use them, they don't. Do you ever wonder why they don't work when they should?

Here could be one of the reasons. Coping skills are best practiced in the moment during treatment.

Let's break this down. When you sit with you kid and talk about coping skills and they are not dysregulated, their feelings are not charged, they can interact with you in a positive way, maybe you make the coping skills fun so they will practice them. That's great for the logic part of the brain. However, when kids start to become dysregulated, they lose that logic positive part of the brain and with that lose the ability to remember those coping skills.

That's where play comes in. First, play is safe in the brain. We learn to play before we can even communicate. Play helps regulate he brain, especially if there is another connected individual with them. Second, The brain cannot distinguish he difference between real life and play when it comes to feelings and emotions. Have you ever seen kids get really upset when they play video games? It's because part of their brain is feeling as though it is something happening in real time. When their character dies in the game, the brain feels it's real, thus leading to a real emotionally charged feeling.

So why is this important when it comes to treatment? When kids come into my office, they more want to play then talk (as they should). When we are playing, we are focusing on the feelings and emotions of the play. Those army men battling in the sand, hurting each other, being loud, can be scary feelings wise even though logically as adults we know they are toys. In that moment brain is emotionally charged but grounded by the play and connection. THAT is the best time for when coping skills can be practiced and modeled. Maybe that's the time to say "I need to take a deep breath" or "I need to move to get a drink".

The goal is that the brain will be able to find another moment in real life where it has that same charged feeling and use the coping skill. Maybe in school when your kid hears a loud sound that triggers that same emotional response, their brain will be more likely to try that skill before it becomes too dysregulated. Is it perfect every time? No. Does this mean to dysregulate your kids to practice coping skills? Absolutely not. This is more just some insight on why they may not be working as well as they should. However, there is also another thing to consider as well to why they might not be working as well as they should…….