Why coping skills don’t always work part 2: co-regulation

Another reason to be curious on why coping skills don’t work is if there has been enough co-regulation provided to the kids in those moments. Essentially, co-regulation is when another human being is helping another human being in dysregulating moments.

I think of babies when I think of needing co-regulation in time of dysregulation. Babies don’t know coping skills or how to regulate their own bodies or express their needs. Most of the time they are just loud when they are dysegautled. So how do they learn? Through their parents providing co regulation in that moment. We either rock them, change them, feed them and so on until we find moments when their systems have relaxed. We are primed to love babies so it’s easier to want to help them (unless they have left parents very sleep deprived which is a whole different situation!)

It is scientifically proven that self-regulation (being able to use coping skills) only happens when kids, or even adults, have experienced co-regulation in times of dysregulation. Dysregulated kids are all crying babies in those moments. They just don’t look like babies anymore which at times can make it tricky for our brains to see what they really need. Do they really need to be fed? Do they need a drink? Do they need to be held or need a hug. Those moments are what help build and strengthen our nervous systems.

That leads us to be more curious about certain behaviors. Kids are having a hard time in school, at home, in the community. What co-regulation did they miss in the past or what do they need in those moments before they can feel like they can use their skills and function in those environments. Do you need to go all the way back to basic co-regualtion before focusing on more age appropriate co-regulation? you might be thinking “They need to know what the skills are though”. You may be right. However, learning and doing those skills together helps strengthen the process. I will say it’s not always perfect, but it will help decrease the amount of behaviors that come up and help keep parents curious and more regulated.

Let’s connect this concept to why kids or even adults come to therapy. In those moments of treatment, therapists provide the connection and co-regulation whether it’s through movement, breathing, taking a drink, or even just being there and listening. The brain is picking up on the safety of therapist and able to accept the co-regulation in moments of dysregulation. When the brain feels safe and regulated, learning can also happen.

If you have found yourself being more curious and want to know more reasons for this, the new parent course Raising Kids With Big baffling Behaviors: A course for Parents developed by Robyn Gobbel goes into a more in depth process about this.

For more information about the course click here.